More letters to people in my life

I keep more inside then I tend to believe or think about when I am moving through daily life. I don’t realize it until I get so built up that I have to say something and end up here, because even I judge myself for some of these thoughts, and others I just don’t want to beleaguer with my passions. This is a true journal, and I wonder why I don’t just type these entries up as text documents, where others won’t be so unfortunate as to read them.

I probably like the idea that one day someone will figure out who I am. I don’t know why I would like that, but there I am: weird as fuck.

–

As for you, Dave, I just don’t know what to say. When I first met you at the Gargoyle, I thought you were cool. You are, in a way; high school cool. You wear fuckin vests and chucks. You talk quickly and make fun of everything and everyone at every opportunity, and you like to tell amusing stories. I admit, you do it well, and I appreciate your anecdotes anytime.

But you’re an asshole, Dave, everyone knows it. You’re also a good friend; you drive people around and you hold various events at your house. You’re somehow both a good friend and an asshole at the same time, perhaps that’s the reason you’re such a nexus in my social web. You are memorable, and people are drawn to that “power”. I saw it, after a while, though, and I resisted.

I guess it’s a credit to my character (not to sound my own horn) that I resisted so well that you noticed. I wish I had recorded exactly how it all went down, though, because it would help me, now that I wish to save this bridge before I lose all my friends to your fountain of social events. After Jenny’s gone, I’ll only have Liz to invite me after you’ve sent out the primary invites.

I’m sure that that is part of it: jealousy. How is it that I can introduce friends I’ve known for years, those who are as close to me as I seem to allow, and suddenly they’re spending countless nights at your house? Why did I never get impromptu sleepovers? I don’t entirely understand.

And then, not only were my friends suddenly more often at your house than I was, not only did they seem to socialize with you and get closer faster than with me, but I was no longer randomly asked to attend your little events. Was this before or after New Orleans? I for sure know that that whole fiasco, not to mention your sordid affair with Liz, did not help my opinion of you in the slightest, even though Liz’s involvement with you was perfectly under her control and helped me to see that you aren’t invincible when it comes to women and your self-aware relationship ADD.

I remember walking up Division with Liz one day. Not sure where we were going, but you cam up in the conversation, and we both noted about how you seem to get bored with females after a certain amount of time has passed. Perhaps that is where it started. Liz had the level head to not care, to hold you emotionally at arm’s length and put up with your assholery for your good-friend-traits and the network you provide. I, on the other hand, up and mind-bailed. When one is not trying to accept you as less than considerate and warm, but rather not interested in keeping you in perspective, it’s far too easy to see you as a complete asshole, with no “good friend” in the mix.

I let that go on for too long, Dave. Holding on to a deep disdain for you and your behavior is easy enough, but when it interferes with my social life to the point where I miss seeing my friends of years and make everyone present extra uncomfortable just by walking into a  sparsely populated room including yourself, the situation is no longer okay. Something has to give.

And here it is. Now that you seem to have noticed my frosty attitude towards you and taken offense, I miss my friends even more often and feel a billion times more awkward in rooms with you. Simply put, someone’s gotta give. I used to be the girl who’d say, “not me! I am immobile, I will stay this course no matter how long it takes.”

Now I have seen that this course is, of course, retarded and dangerous. So I will give, because you are far too stubborn to give yourself.

Let the record show that I gave a little last night. I talked to sick Dave as though I had only met him at the last party. it was like pulling teeth. Dave, you better not have been too sick to appreciate my effort.

I would love a good time right now.

Moved two days ago, different co-op, same stuff. It’s awesome, by the way. SO organized, so much food, so much partying, woo!

SO yes, the guy who I knew and sort of liked in high school is now in the same house as myself. And I find I still have an interest in him. Potentially not good.

I don’t know, first off, if I can trust myself not to make advances on him, noticeable or not, while I’m not sober. I don’t even know if I want to be able to trust myself with it.

Then there’s the thing where he’s not single anymore. Or, hey, maybe he and his lady friend have an open relationship. I dunno, I don’t think I’ve met her enough to fairly judge the girl. Of course, I feel like if I don’t like her, I’m giving in to an incredibly vain and greedy bias. :/ Either way, my impression of her so far doesn’t even tell me if, if anything ever happened, she’d kick someone’s ass or jump right in.

Then there’s the thing where the apparent fact that he smells (just as childish as it may sound) was brought up multiple times during the evening of house togetherness. If he does, that will sure be a help for avoiding potentially bad situations. And help me decide that I’m secure in my choice of boys. :]